INTRO
The only thing ancient is our sense of humor.
Congratulations — you’ve found the retirement home that doesn’t pretend aging is a spa day. At Fossil Flats, we specialize in chronologically gifted humans, thermostat diplomacy, and bingo with bloodlust. Our residents may move slower, but their comebacks are lightning fast.
Residents Highlights
Agnes Thornwall
Retired city councilwoman, current queen of the thermostat wars. Aggie’s sharp wit and sharper opinions keep staff on their toes. She once filibustered a bingo game because the prize was “insultingly beige.” She’s the unofficial mayor of Fossil Flats and the only person who knows how to fix the printer.
Walter Briggs
Veteran, storyteller, and human encyclopedia of things that may or may not have happened. Walter’s war stories are 40% fact, 60% flair, and 100% captivating. He’s been voted “Most Likely to Be a Time Traveler” three years running. Ask him about the time he arm-wrestled a general — he’ll deny it, then tell you anyway.
Bernice “Birdie” Latch
Escape artist, prankster, and hallway legend. Birdie has picked more locks than the maintenance staff and once made it to the gas station before anyone noticed. She claims she’s “just testing security,” but we suspect she’s mapping something out. Her walker has a spoiler.
Harold Dunford
Retired magician, part-time illusionist, full-time flirt. Hal’s sleight of hand is matched only by his ability to disappear during chores. He performs weekly shows for the residents, often featuring rabbits, scarves, and existential dread. He insists that the pudding heist of 2018 was just “one big misdirection.”
Ruth Calder
Librarian emeritus, keeper of secrets, and shusher of chaos. Ruth reads nine books a week and remembers every one. She’s the only person who can silence Millie with a glance. Her room is alphabetized, color-coded, and possibly sentient. She’s currently cataloging her dreams in Dewey Decimal.
Clarence Morley
Grumpy mechanic, reluctant hugger, and wrench philosopher. Clay fixes everything except his own feelings. He once repaired a toaster using a paperclip and a grudge. He’s building something in the courtyard and won’t say what — but it hums when you get close.
Mildred Santos
Gossip queen, drama magnet, and walking spoiler alert. Millie knows everything about everyone and will tell you twice. She’s the reason we had to ban “truth or dare” after 7 p.m. Her words, not ours, "Approach with caution and snacks."
Dr. Lionel Pierce
Retired biologist, current overthinker, and part-time philosopher. Lionel’s theories are brilliant, baffling, and occasionally edible. He once tried to explain quantum mechanics using pudding. He’s convinced the dreaming is a simulation and keeps trying to “debug” it with a fork.
Edith Malone
Ex-biker, rebel soul, and hallway speedster. Edith’s leather jacket has more stories than the library. She leads the unofficial Fossil Flats motorcycle club (membership: 1). Her dream motorcycle is powered by a Viper V10. She’s the only resident allowed to say “hell yeah” in group therapy.
Samuel Cho
Chess master, quiet strategist, and emotional ninja. Sammy speaks softly and checkmates loudly. He’s teaching the staff chess, and losing on purpose to build morale. He’s always five moves ahead. Don’t challenge him unless you’re ready to lose gracefully.
Employee Highlights
Marjorie Hale — Head Nurse
“I’ve seen everything. No, seriously. Everything.” Marjorie runs the medical wing with the precision of a field general and the patience of a saint who’s been pushed too far. She can calm a panicked resident, terrify a misbehaving staff member, and diagnose a problem before you finish describing it. She’s the backbone of Fossil Flats and the only one who knows where the good bandages are hidden.
Tom Reyes — Orderly
“I lift things up and put them down. Mostly people.” Tom is a gentle giant with the soul of a poet and the biceps of a forklift. He’s beloved by residents for his kindness and by staff for his ability to move furniture without complaining. He once carried a resident, a recliner, and a potted fern at the same time. No one asked him to. He just felt like it.
Sheila Bloom — Activities Director
“If you’re bored, that’s on you.” Sheila is a one‑woman creativity explosion. She runs crafts, karaoke, themed parties, and whatever fever‑dream activity she invents before breakfast. Residents adore her. Staff fear her. Glitter follows her like a curse she refuses to lift.
Harold Keene — Grounds Keeper
“I clean messes. Physical, emotional, and spiritual.” Harold AKA "Dusty" knows every hallway, shortcut, and secret snack stash in the building. He moves like a ninja with a mop. He’s quiet, observant, and somehow always appears exactly when someone needs help — or when someone is doing something they definitely shouldn’t.
Evelyn Crane — Administrator
“I don’t make the rules. I just enforce them with terrifying efficiency.” Evelyn is the polished, poised, impeccably organized face of Fossil Flats. She can navigate paperwork like a wizard and shut down nonsense with a single raised eyebrow. Residents respect her. Staff fear her. The copier worships her.
Gus Patel — Kitchen Manager
“Food is love. And sometimes revenge.” Gus runs the kitchen with warmth, humor, and a secret spice blend he refuses to discuss. His meals are comforting, nostalgic, and occasionally experimental. He knows every resident’s favorite dish and every staff member’s stress snack.
Dana Wu — Physical Therapist
“One more squat. No, I don’t care that you’re tired.” Dana is calm, focused, and relentlessly encouraging. She helps residents regain strength, mobility, and confidence — whether they like it or not. She celebrates every victory, from a single step to a full hallway lap. She also has the patience of a monk and the grip strength of a bear.
Lila Moreno — Receptionist
“Welcome to Fossil Flats! Please sign in, sign out, and sign this apology form.” Lila is the cheerful voice of the front desk and the unofficial emotional support human for staff and visitors alike. She remembers birthdays, allergies, and gossip she swears she didn’t hear. She loses her keys twice a day but never loses her smile.
Frank Dillard — Night Security
“If it goes bump in the night, I bump back.” Frank takes his job very seriously. He patrols the halls with a flashlight, a walkie‑talkie, and the energy of a man who’s watched too many crime documentaries. He’s gruff but kind, and he once chased a raccoon out of the courtyard using only stern language.
Jonah Price — Volunteer [Youth Group]
“I’m here for school credit. And the pudding.” Jonah is energetic, awkward, and trying his best. He helps with activities, carries boxes, and listens to residents’ stories with genuine enthusiasm. He’s the only person who can keep up with Birdie during her “practice escapes,” though he insists he’s not helping — he’s “supervising.”